I am Amidst my latest read, The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz and it really has me thinking.  If you have not read this book, add it to the list.  As is the case with these types of reads, I constantly reflect on the most important of my jobs – being a father.  When our kids come into the world, they don’t get to select their names, the language they speak, and even their beliefs are handed to them by their caregivers.  Luca’s beliefs are being shaped even today with what happens all around him. 

He's always been full of questions, wanting to know how this or that works.  But I’ve noticed lately that new things are happening.  He is learning on his own, without my influence.  Just this week, I learned that he’s been shaving – when he asked me if I could pick him up his own razors.  His most recent hair removal process has involved the usage of my Gilette Mach III, without my knowing.  When I asked him where he learned to shave, he just said, “It’s pretty self-explanatory, I just figured it out.”  I am down with it – but I don’t want him to learn to drive a car this way!

Lately, he has been questioning why people are the way they are.  I’ve raised him not to talk badly about other people and to be kind and respectful to everyone he meets, no matter what.  He does an excellent job with this – and his teachers have and still compliment his ability to be with any of his classmates at any time.  On his own, he knows what is acceptable and unacceptable on social media – and can self-correct when he gets it wrong.  And, if I ever do have to guide in the corrective, I only do it once.  I want him to learn that when a person errs in some way or wrongs him, they don’t need to relive the experience of a mistake through daily reminders.  I was once in a relationship where things that had taken place a few years before continued to come up, by my own fault and by my partner’s.  The relationship did not last, which is needless to say. 

In the book, the first agreement that Ruiz writes about is what he calls the most important.  It is the impeccability of your words.    He points out how the human construct of words can be heaven or hell for us, and if you look around – it is mostly hell.  To make his case, Ruiz writes about the most atrocious act of a false narrative that was committed by a German man, who turned an entire country of very intelligent people into individual tools of hate, destruction, death, and war.  Wars between nations, fights between people, separation, divorce, belittling, and more are all functions of the use of devastating words. 

“Dad, how come if someone doesn’t like you, why they gotta go try to find other people who don’t like you and try to make people hate you?”  Luca asked me the other night.  I hadn’t read the book yet, and my answer was to teach him a principle from Niccolò Machiavelli: the enemy of my enemy is my friend.  In addition to this, when a stoning took place in biblical times, it was never only one person throwing the stones.  The book, The Four Agreements points out that people really aren’t themselves.  They are acting – to be who they need to be to become accepted.  And for kids, who the person that they have to be to become to be accepted causes them great conflict.  Being who you need to be to become accepted can cause depression, anxiety, and more.  Ruiz points out that our world runs on the concept of fear – and people are scared to not be accepted by their tribes.  So, it still feels good when a sense of belonging can be created – even through terrible words, accusations, belittling, and defamation.

When I was working in Woburn, this happened to a 12-year veteran special education teacher.  There was a small group of leaders – one of whom did not particularly care for her.  So, she treated her terribly and then did her very best to get others to join in what can only be perceived as unwarranted treatment.  The teacher filed a complaint, and I investigated the matter as the Civil Rights Coordinator.  I found that the administrator’s behavior was beneath common professional standards but that the administrator’s conduct did not rise to criminal harassment or discrimination.

Even after the teacher filed a formal complaint, the administrator continued with over-assertive behavior.  The administrator would talk to anyone who would listen to her complaints about the teacher, trying her best to enlist others in the cause.  The teacher filed a complaint in Federal Court with no end in sight.  My name was actually listed in the lawsuit as one of the defendants, due to her disagreement with my analysis of the matter.  Then, in December, a Federal Court judge completely removed my name from the lawsuit.  The suit is now in the deposition phase, and I will be deposed for seven hours in the coming weeks, not as a defendant but as a witness.

Federal cases are public.  This means anyone can read the complaint online and receive regular case updates.  Luca has observed that some people post links to this case online, creating a narrative that I did something wrong.  But to the contrary, I did exactly what I was expected to do, per my job – and the Federal Court validated this fact.  And now, I look forward to providing my testimony.

This was a tricky thing to explain to a 12-year-old.  I hate that he is learning hard things at an early age through his father’s experiences.  All kids have fear, and you know that as adults, we do too.  He’s so smart, though, and so self-driven to know things that I have to be careful about my conversations and even the expressions on my face when talking on the phone.  I guess my next job is to teach him the first agreement, to be impeccable with his words – what this means and the value it brings to the world.