If You Think it is Cheap to Pour a Vacation - Read This

Drinking released me from the suffocating fear, the feelings of inadequacy, and nagging voices at the back of my head that told me I would never measure up. All of those things melted away when I drank. The bottle was my friend, my companion, a portable vacation. Whenever life was too intense, alcohol would take the edge off or obliterate the problem altogether for a time.
— Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 74

AI Picked This One for Me

Tomorrow, I will receive a small coin. It’s not worth anything monetarily, but it carries the weight of two months of sobriety – a weight I wasn’t sure I’d be tough enough to lift. It represents two months of saying no to the easy escape, two months of choosing discomfort and clarity over numbness. Two months of feeling everything – raw, honest, unfiltered – and surviving it.

The beginning of my demise was COVID.  During the quarantine, my future ex-partner was tending to a sick relative and also her near-century-old grandmother while in charge of two of my then stepdaughters – 50 miles away.  I was at home with my son and another stepdaughter for quite some time.  Like everyone else, we were managing the craziest times of our lives while simultaneously holding on as tightly as we could to our jobs.  The entire COVID situation threw me into a tailspin at my office, where I oversaw support services for over 4,000 children. 

The pandemic pressure at work was unlike anything I’d ever felt – and in the chaos, I had an idea. Learning centers. A place where kids could go during remote learning allowing their parents to continue working. Especially for those with no other choice – single parents, small families, those living paycheck to paycheck. Some had to give up employment to be at home with their kids, knowing there wouldn’t be a job to return to when the pandemic came to a close.  For these people, the learning centers were a lifeline.

A senior leader and colleague hated the idea. Even when we secured over a million dollars in funding and the infrastructure to make it happen, she mocked it – called it “A Miracle on 34th Street.” Her belief? Schools were for academics, not childcare. She missed the point entirely. Kids are always learning – and some have more opportunities than others.  She and some others ridiculed us for putting the project together.

Then, at home, there was more pressure.  My soon-to-be ex-wife was losing it. I was crumbling, and like many during the pandemic, the relationship was going down the tubes as well.  When travel restrictions were lifted, I went into my boss’s office and sat down at his small, round table.  I opened up and told him that I needed to spend time with my wife – that we needed to get away.  He feigned understanding and approved the week of leave.  With faces masked, the two of us headed out of town.  On the first full day of the trip, we were hiking along a brook when my phone started buzzing in my pocket.  The texts were rolling in from my boss, asking me where I was and that I was the only one not in the office.  This made a mess of the hike.  I was told to turn my phone off.  But I just couldn’t.

The stupid texts brought anger and frustration, and, of course, they were confusing.  Then, they caused an argument.  On the one hand, I had an unpredictable boss, among many other things.  If you’ve ever been in this type of situation – you know the feeling – fear of being punished, replaced, or made into a scapegoat.  On the other hand, right in front of me was a person in need of my attention and support.  Despite my best efforts, the noise of the work situation drowned out what I’d hoped to accomplish. 

The dog-eat-dog world of sales makes sense to me.  In the business arena, a gladiator who is not making sales equates to another gladiator who is.  Crushing the competitor makes total sense – when the two are competing for the same dollar a single customer has to spend. Plus, the more one sells, the more one gets.  Public education, believe it or not, is just as cutthroat as business. There’s a gladiator culture – people competing for power and position. It's not something most people associate with schools, but politics and pettiness are real. I've seen it. I've felt it. I've been wounded by it.

Does This Look LIke a Dream Vacation?

When the stress got to me on my vacation, there was no vacation to be had.  Besides, I wound up going back to where we were staying so that I could sit in on one Zoom meeting after another, for days.  When time away didn’t work, fear not, for the booze did.  I was fighting with that for a while. 

Part of me knew that what I was doing wasn’t in my long-term health interests.  But the rest of me needed a break, too.  Anyone who has worked with me knows how committed I am to giving people space and time for vacations, time with family, or to care for their loved ones.  If they cannot care for themselves and those closest to them – how in the hell are they going to care for their fellow employees or the kids they are there to love?  Driven by a desire to succeed, my vacations were brief and portable, often delivered in a glass or can. 

That coin I’ll receive tomorrow – it’s not just a marker of sobriety. It’s a promise I will carry in my pocket for myself and my son. A reminder that for the rest of my life, vacations won’t be poured…they will be lived.