If I were always to ask you this question – what feelings do you know you must always have?  How might you answer?  Readers of this blog tend to be parents and educators – adults with either a stake in the schools, a stake in their kids, or perhaps found this because of interest in the topic.  This question is not about our kids; this question is about you.  When you are at your very best, what feelings do you have because of the life around you?  Below, I will try to name a few:

Love

Safety

Attention

Control

Belonging

Acceptance

Comfort

Excitement

Look at this list and think about the actions you take to meet these fundamental needs.

These needs do not develop when we get driver’s licenses, turn 18, or graduate.  They are beneath our surfaces like roots in the ground, waiting for the hydration necessary to sustain a healthy life.  As these needs prioritize themselves within us, we often take conscious steps to meet them.  Just like in children, our behaviors reflect our needs and, of course, our wants and all that too. 

Well-thought adults who prioritize love may spend time with their loved ones – prioritizing their relationships.  A regulated child may seek a hug, and conversely, a child who has experienced acute trauma may seek to have this need met in less productive or perhaps even dangerous ways – through behavior that is beyond their control.  What does a teenager who is seeking a feeling of love – not getting it through the usual familial channels?  What types of relationships do they seek outside of their homes? 

At Cornell University, behavior that stems from trauma is often called “Pain Based Behavior.”  And since the traumatic experiences that our children have had – sometimes even before their ages of remembering school staff sees only the behavior, sometimes the trigger to the behavior, but rarely the actual cause.  Like I said before, no bandages, no casts, no crutches when it comes to this kind of injury.  What took place in these children’s lives altered their brains – right down to the Amygdala and Hippocampus. 

My good friend Brian Wallace, longtime Principal of the Devens Therapeutic Day School in Everett and now the Director of Social Emotional Learning in the Everett Public Schools, has co-trained workshops with me for years.  I will never forget a discussion we had with many high school staff in Everett when Brian said, “Take a look at this list (which consisted of the feelings named above) and tell me which of these needs is not met by being in a gang.”  Holy smokes!

Look at the age ranges below to understand what Pain Based Behavior looks like in a classroom:

Early Childhood (Pre-school - Kindergarten)

At this stage, children are primarily learning through play and social interactions. Traumatized children might be excessively clingy or display an aversion to touch or social contact. They may demonstrate developmental language, motor skills, or toilet training delays. Emotional reactions may be extreme, with outbursts of anger or prolonged periods of sadness. These issues can significantly disrupt a child's learning process by impeding their ability to focus, interact, and develop foundational skills.

Elementary School (1st - 5th Grade)

As children grow older, the effects of trauma become more apparent and might interfere with the acquisition of more complex skills. Behavioral problems, such as aggression or hyperactivity, may become more evident. Students may need help with focusing, leading to underachievement academically. Emotionally, these children may seem overly anxious, easily frustrated, or withdrawn. Socially, they may struggle with peer relationships by being overly submissive or overly assertive.  I think the toughest to witness is when kids this age try to hurt themselves (head banging, biting themselves, hitting themselves in the face).

Middle School (6th - 8th Grade)

Trauma’s emotional and social impacts often overshadow academic issues during these years. Students may show signs of chronic irritability, frequent anger outbursts, or appear depressed. Their behaviors may be risky or defiant. Academically, they may struggle with organization and study skills, leading to a downward spiral in school performance. Socially, peer relationships become crucial at this stage, and students with trauma may struggle to form healthy friendships, often leading to social isolation or engagement in hostile peer groups.

High School (9th - 12th Grade)

High school students with a history of trauma may display serious academic, social, and emotional problems. Academic issues may become more severe, with students underperforming or lacking interest in school altogether. Emotionally, they may struggle with self-esteem and identity issues. These students are at a higher risk of substance abuse, promiscuity, self-harming behaviors, and mental health problems like depression and anxiety. Socially, these students may struggle with forming and maintaining relationships, potentially leading to loneliness and isolation.