The Weight of Perception and the Cost of Hiding: You vs. You
Listen to this before or after reading, or both - It’s beautiful
Back in 2001 – pre 9 – 11, I took a graduate course instructed by a great Niagara University Professor, Walt Polka. Nearly a quarter of a decade later, I still recall the first day of the course. The professor instructed my classmates and me to think about an animal we’d pick to describe ourselves, then write it down. Then he told us to imagine that the animal we’d just written was extinct, and to choose another animal. So, we did. I thought it wasn’t the typical start to a grad class. And then Dr. Polka told us we’d have to do it again…because our second choice was also extinct. So, my wannabe administrator counterparts and I did it, yet again.
If you are interested in participating in this exercise, you should probably write down your three animals before reading any further – otherwise, you will miss your chance.
We then went around the room calling out the animals we picked – which for me was a monkey, followed by a gorilla, and then a bear. A few people in the class chose the monkey as well. I thought that was interesting. Others selected from the barnyard, some from the zoo, plenty from the ocean, and some insects were chosen as well. What did our selections mean? He told us that the first animal represented how we believe people see us, the second was how we want to be seen, and the third was the closest to which we really were. Then to finalize this exercise, we each had to turn to a classmate and explain how our animal selections made this personality assessment true. So, when a swimmer picked a dolphin, it kind of made sense, or the really tall dude who picked the giraffe as his first choice. Get it? I thought Dr. Polka was fantastic – and the fact that he knew this fun little psychology assessment before Google and the Psychology Today website speaks only to his greatness.
I’ve looked up the three animals personality assessment online more than once. I’ve also used it with just about everyone I’ve ever met. It’s fun and makes for great dialogue. But the rest of the conversation is a little weird when someone picks a snake, scorpion, shark, or tarantula as their final animal. The only thing that stinks about the three animal thing is that you can really only do it once. Because once you know, you know. For those of you who took a psych class or two, this can get all Freudian, or Johari Window – the idea that we each have an “open self” that people see, and a “hidden self” that we keep secret.
Let’s be honest – there is no better place to see this in action than on Facebook or Instagram. The second animal – the one that we want others to see gets a lot of attention in the social media world. Facebook and Insta gives us the opportunity to merge the way people see us and the way we’d prefer to be seen. I have no data to back up this statement – but I believe this to be one of the reasons that posting on social media can be so addicting. I, for one, have insisted my picture be taken again, and again because I didn’t like how I was standing, or that I forgot to suck my gut in while the photo was being taken.
All of this makes me think that there are far too many people out there living double lives. I don’t see things getting less stressful…for anyone. Demands to perform in the workplace, at home, or for students in their classrooms and lecture halls, or on athletic fields – the pressure is on. Some atrocities are easy to call out – like body shaming. Others aren’t. Like the quiet expectation to always be "on," to always have the correct answer, the perfect response, or the unwavering composure in the face of adversity. The first of the double life is the stage you are on, performing. Because most people cannot see past the nice clothes, a great hairdo, expensive shoes, or a quick-witted sense of humor. If careful, no person will ever know the struggle, the worry, the fear, the anger, or the pain.
Exhaustion is real, and people are hiding it. There’s stress in a $13 dozen eggs, $7 bag of chips, or a $50 a week diaper bill. I looked up the baby formula my son had to use when he was a baby. I broke down the current cost to two bucks an ounce. Whatever the stress, keeping it together on the outside is really important. For those with the job, the degrees, the responsibilities, and the confidence it looks like they can handle it all. Some people just walk into a room and shake hands, make small talk, and deliver on some Q and A. They leave others in awe. But what happens when it is quiet?
People can’t see the weight of expectations, the long hours, the feeling that we have to be everything for everyone. Maybe you are out there doing all that you can just to keep things running smoothly. Or perhaps you are like me trying to prove you can handle it all without breaking a sweat.
Stress creeps in when you least expect it, and when you don’t deal with it, it finds a way to deal with you. For some, drinking is a way to silence the noise. And it isn’t about getting drunk – it is about shutting off the thoughts that keep you running in circles. It is about silencing the fear that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t in control as much as you’d prefer to be.
If you’re living two lives – the one people see and the one you keep hidden – know you’re not alone. And more importantly, know that you don’t have to keep doing it.
There’s freedom in being real. And the moment you stop trying to manage how the world sees you is the moment you start living for yourself.