Thought Driver: Breaking the Silence
I started this blog in 2022. Initially, it was supposed to be a feel-good spot – a place to share some of the positivity I encountered in my job. The endeavor was to put up a few posts a week about the joys of a school community, the accomplishments of those therein, gratitude for volunteerism, and stuff like that. I thought it was so cool to get traffic reports about the site, and the more people were reading it, the more I wanted to post. If you’ve ever posted a photo on Facebook and gotten a boatload of likes, you probably know this feeling. Then, like most social media, it drew negativity, and soon thereafter, the kibosh.
Ironically, my dissertation cites a Superintendent who did somewhat the same thing, about twenty years ago, and a similar thing happened. Back then, there weren’t as many safeguards and filters, so his site went down because people were going on it and posting one unpleasantry after another. He gave up entirely. I did not. I like to write. This goes back a long time. Just yesterday, I found some articles I published in my hometown newspaper in my late teens and early twenties. I wanted to keep this blog going, so I did a little research and changed its content. I know education the best and thought it would be cool to find ways to connect current events and what is happening around us to what kids are, should be, or shouldn’t be learning in school.
Simultaneously, I was working on a book about what I believe to be a scourge for kids nationwide: suspensions - the systematic exile from the safest environment in which they could be. It stresses the importance of social, emotional, and academic programming contoured to focus on the type of growth that many kids need. Then, nearly two months ago something happened that put a stop to my writing. For those of you who know me, you know what that was. For those who don’t – an OUI didn’t just stop my writing, it stopped my everything.
Now, on day 50 of thinking about it, talking about it, dreaming about it, crying, screaming, and dying about it, I am going to write some things about it. When I was in teacher school, we learned about talking our students through guided mental journeys, which helped increase comprehension, understanding, and retention. If you’d like to know how I’ve been feeling, close your eyes and think about the most embarrassing and humiliating moment you’ve ever faced. Make it the thing that you don’t want people to know. Now, put it on the paper's front page and every social media site, then toss in some open public comment. Take some time to read the comments. Then, in a month, put it on the same pages again. I did this mental journey with a guy I know a few days ago. He just looked at me and said, “Oof.”
Painful is an understatement. A thing like this hurts the body, the mind, and the spirit. It has impacted my son, my family, and my friends. Know too that there is remorse in a lost job, diminished potential, and a self-esteem that found the basement underneath rock bottom. And it’s been a learning experience like no other. I’ve learned more in the past month than in the years it took to earn a Bachelor's, two Master's, and a Doctoral Degree. Remorse and regret, like pain, are built into us to help us learn from our experiences. Pain is what keeps our hands away from hot stoves and burning logs. Regret and remorse make us better in decision making and in developing, maintaining, and growing our interpersonal and business relationships.
On the same day, I can see my experience as the absolute worst and then the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. In my life, I’ve found great joy in overcoming my obstacles and helping people overcome theirs. One day last week I woke up and ran five miles. In fifty days, I’ve lost thirty pounds. But the thing about obstacles is that no one ever knows which one they won’t overcome. So there have been days when a crane couldn’t get me out of bed. In Bette Midler and Conway Twitty's words, the night can be too lonely and the road can be too long. I have to keep reminding myself that when a person has a health problem, it becomes the only problem. The rest are solvable – so just keep moving in the right direction.
Getting back to the topic of the blog, it seems it is going to change again. A short time after this is posted, it will be read by people who are under the gun. Chronic stress is a killer, and there are people out there who take a pill to sleep, a pill that helps them get through the day, and maybe even a glass of wine at some point in between. Some have demanding jobs, shitty bosses, or are just working the hours upon hours to pay the heat bill, keep food on the table, and pay for some dance classes for the kids.
They are pushing through, pulling others along, and just doing what needs to be done to raise their littles. A couple of tough days, it becomes a tough week. There’s a letdown, a new bill, a pissed off significant other. Or maybe amidst all of this, a family member gets sick. At least for a while, the posts will be for them. Or perhaps I should say for us.
Most people don’t know that the lyrics to this song are actually positive - give it a listen. This is a present for those who read the post to the end.